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[19 Jan 2010|11:20am] |
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I need strength right now. I need strength to do the right things for myself. Why is it so easy to do the wrong things?
I'm so frustrated and angry with my job at Old Navy. I have been there 3 years, and I feel like an employee at any other major corporation. Take and work the body, toss the soul. FUCK YOU OLD NAVY. You fuck over your employees, I have 6 goddamn managers that only know how to micromanage ineffectively. Old Navy is a horrible place to work for. And they are doing SO bad right now financially, I hope they go bankrupt. Fuck you mary and mike. you fucking assholes.
Annnnnnd Adam. where do I even start. I don't think I've ever hated someone so much. I very much believe in karma and energy, I think when you truly wish someone harm your own karma is shifted. because you shouldn't want horrible things for anyone. but I sincerely wish him a lifetime of pain and misery. I hope he chokes on his own shit and dies slowly. He is the worst human being I have ever met in my entire life, he is so horrible I would not call him human. Everyone in NC, avoid Adam LaGrow like syphilis! I need the strength to permanently remove him from the rest of my life. Please God, help me forget I ever met him. I will not have him taint one more day of my existence. It is a shame he is allowed to live, really, because life is too good for him. Shit is better than him. I need to get this all out because I don't even want one thought about him. I really hope he is miserable.
I'm getting fucking sick of hearing girls go on about marriage and babies. Especially girls my age, the surrender of independence and identity as one individual makes me sick.
I so hope I get into Africa. I know they have their own problems, but I am ready to get the fuck out of here without looking back. I hate America right now. I'm just not in a good mood at all.
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[15 Dec 2008|10:00pm] |
what is this, the second entry this year? wow. i used to write on here so much more.
i'm now a college grad working 3 part time jobs that pay shit. thanks for the debt, college education. i often wonder if it was worth it -- the knowledge and more acute awareness of the problems in this world. it's funny, at first i thought my latino literature class last semester would be so bogus. but i think that was the most powerful class i had during my entire college career; they say everyone has at least one teacher that really changes them as a person. carrie bramen was mine, and without her class i just dont know who i would be today. the word i would choose to describe her is illuminating. i had vague conceptions of what i wanted to do, but her class just made it click for me... what i value to be important in our society, knowledge of injustices that need to be changed, made me want to make that change.
that change. i feel i'm on the verge of it; i have the mission but now i just need the vessel. i need to decide what program will allow me to do that. i have my doubts about the peace corps, and i'm questioning how much i want to do it. is it for me? there was a time a few months ago when i believed in nothing else more. now im not so sure. i was hesistant from the start when i found out my location would be africa, because i love spanish so much. everything about it, i just love, i love being surrounded by it in the street, in the grocery store, the writing on everything the radio the voice over the speakers on the metro, background conversations and small talk with store associates. hearing bienvenidos and que tal instead of hello how are you. the sound of it is music to my ears, i could listen to it all day even if i didnt understand a word of it. i love the way you have to hold your mouth and position your tongue, the pronounciation of the letter 'b' in words. the language is just so erotic and romantic and passionate... beautiful. i'd be pursuing something completely different, a language that i know nothing about and have no interest in as far as a career. spanish feels right, but the peace corps does too in a different way. i'm so scared and uncertain, because 27 months is such a long commitment to make right now in my life to a country that really, i know nothing about except not so great things. if only the peace corps did education programs in spanish-speaking countries.... god my dreams would all have come true. i would be doing exactly what i want. but i should be open to other things too, because going to africa might be the one thing i didnt plan on being what i do in life. so many opportunities and experiences would take me to places in my life i never thought i would end up... and if i get there, and find in the end spanish was my calling, then im that much older and further from where i was right now. i must sound so silly right now - africa would be incredible! it's just conflict of interest i suppose. regardless, i am going to continue with the application. i feel deep in my heart that peace corps in africa is right for me, but the sacrifice of spanish is very difficult and makes me doubt something unfamiliar. i do see the writing on the wall - that i should take the risk and do something new, learn something besides spanish-related things. i'm glad i've had this bout of uncertainty... i was worried before that i was only excited for it and not realizing the reality of it. onwards!
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[20 Mar 2008|12:36am] |
goodness me, it has been a looooong time since i wrote on here. wow. it's not that i forgot i had this thing, i've just been avoiding writing in order to avoid thinking about my life right now. a lot has happened since... october? geez.
spain: i was most afraid of writing about this. it just hurts to think about, but at the same time the only moments of happiness i have experienced since being back is in my daydreams of spain. it was very hard for me to adjust to a huge city and all the things city life brings with it. for about a month i thought i was going to go nuts from never hearing a moment of silence -- people, dogs, stupid beeping of the cross-walk guy, constant fucking honking of cars (seriously people, holding down the horn for 3 minutes isn't helping AT ALL). not to say i was miserable that month, i was also incredibly happy, but i don't want to disregard the initial difficulties. in one word, madrid is magical. it really is. i loved paris and the romantic feel to it, and i loved rome and all the history, but neither of them has the tranquility or the charm of madrid. seriously, outside of art there's nothing there to see, but my god there is just something about that city. it's magical. i realized i had fallen in love one beautiful sunday in october. i went to sol and meandered, stopping and listening to various musicians in the street -- one of my favorite things to do. you can hear great music for free in the street! and so many different types! -- i made my way up to plaza mayor, possibly my favorite place in madrid. i can guarentee there is no plaza in all of europe so amazing as this. don't judge by photos - you have to be there. i watched an amazing artist do paintings within minutes with nothing but spraypaint, and it was incredible. i bought a beautiful piece of art for 10 euros, and then had a cup of the best coffee ever - as any coffee in europe is by far superior, as well as their yogurt. it was such a magical day. madrid is a magical place. i love europe. i love the opportunities you have there, life is just so different! i thought for sure talking about it would make me cry, but i could go on and on about how great it is.
shit. i'm supposed to be writing a paper on hamlet, but it is so hard for me to come up with an essay idea. and now im just tired. well im alive anyways and ill write more later, not 5 months from now.
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[02 Oct 2007|07:45am] |
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I feel so lost right now. I’ve become dead inside and desensitized to deal with everything that has happened in the last year. I came to Spain feeling this way. For the last three weeks I’ve been taking everything in without really feeling any particular way about it, just accepting it for what it is. I can’t keep doing this though. I can’t go through life, especially now, putting up a wall to deal with the reality of the world. I don’t want to be like Dad, I don’t want to keep people out. This isn’t who I am. It’s not even that I feel homesick – what do I have to go home to? My life is a disaster. I’ve been doing everything all wrong. I feel like my life has been a waste. I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing. I feel like I’m starting all over right now, that I have nothing worthwhile to show for the last 22 years of my life. Everyone here notices my hands shaking and asks me about it – I’m not used to that. Cote (Lidia’s older son) asked me what happened, if it was something I was born with. I said yes, and he goes “Why? Did you something bad?” Then he told me he had a lot of respect for what I’m doing. But the question really hit me. What did I do to deserve starting life like this? Sometimes I feel like God hates me. I feel so defeated. Being a good person doesn’t get you anywhere in life, if anything, it only ensures that people will try to break you down. Being nice only attracts people who will walk all over you and try to destroy you. I’m taking an Art in the Museums of Madrid class, on Tuesdays we meet at a museum and look at the art, then Wednesdays we have a class on what we looked at. On Tuesday we only have from 3-4:20, so we only look at a few works of art. I always ask the professor if I can stay when the class is over so I can keep looking – I figure since the entrance ticket is part of what we pay for, I might as well get my money’s worth. Plus, this art is historical and I want to take every opportunity to see everything. One class we went to an amazing musuem to see Goya, and as usual I stayed behind. There were so many paintings and statues of Jesus on the cross and different stages of his life. One painting showed them taking body of Christ off the cross after he had died, Mary was holding part of him with tears rolling down her cheeks. Other disciples had a ladder propped up against the cross, holding him by the arms and lowering him down. They all had such pain in their faces. It was an amazing painting, and it actually made me cry. All I could think was that even with someone like Christ, people are still so horrible and cruel. Looking at these paintings of different parts of the life of Christ just gets to me. I feel so bad for him, and at the same time I’m enthralled and astounded that even though he knew Judas would betray him, all he had was such incredible and unconditional love for everyone. I’m having such a hard time adjusting not only to Spanish culture, but to living in a huge city. I’ve always been too trusting, too nieve, too friendly to people I don’t know. But I feel like this is the way I should be, otherwise, how will the world ever become a better place? I know that people are “bad,” though I honestly don’t believe it. People can act badly, but everyone has good in them. Anyone can be reached, and helped, if people try to understand and act kindly. I was telling Cote that I hate how people don’t smile to each other here, and he was like, “why would I smile at someone I don’t know?” This mentality is so hard for me to deal with. If people only took the moment to smile and say hi to each other in the streets, imagine what the world could be. I know that this isn’t the world right now, but this is what it could be. The world really could be so beautiful, and it is attainable. It would be so easy to make the world a place where you don’t have to constantly watch your bag, where you can say smile and talk to a person, even if you don’t know them. The other day I saw someone on my street looking for food in the garbage. I’m disgusted by the fact that this world is a place where the hungry are neglected, people just keep walking and aren’t even phased. The world will never change or progress into something better if people are always “safe” and don’t try to help those people. There’s always a woman at the door of the building cleaning or sitting in the portoria, and every morning since I got here I’ve smiled and said good morning. But, this isn’t the culture – even saying ‘buenos dias’ instead of a simple ‘hola’ is being too friendly. So this morning I didn’t smile, I only said hola and kept walking. I felt miserable. God doesn’t want people to live like this. Christ never shunned someone because of their financial status or a disability or even things they have done in their life, Christ loved everyone. Today we watched a video in class that was based on a book, and most of the setting was in a church. I realized while watching it that there is a reason why Christ is always shown crucified. It’s to remind us what he died for – us. He died for us, he sacrificed himself for us and for love and because he believed that we are worth dying for. He believed in the good in people. It’s to remind us that no matter what evil there is in the world, we always need to be accepting and loving, just as Christ was. It’s not about going to heaven, it’s not about social status, it’s not about getting a good job and money, it’s not even about religion. It’s not about going to church, because going to church only works if it makes you realize the importance of Christ’s life. There are other ways to find God. It’s about kindness and love. It’s so simple. When you look at Christ on the cross, with nails through his hands and feet and a crown of thorns, you shouldn’t see something you have to repent for. You should see someone who was loving and amazing despite the nature of man, you can’t be deterred by others who act badly. Changing the world is worth dying for, even if it is only a small and seemingly insignificant change. The consequences of being a good person in today’s world is worth it. I was raped because I’m too trusting, but I would rather be who I am and try to be a good person instead of going through life with a filter on. I know I’m not Christ, I don’t want to be a martyr, obviously I’m not religious, but how can someone say they believe in God and follow the Bible and then turn around and be kind and loving to only certain people? God says to love everyone, forgive everyone, and people agree that this is the way you should live life. But why say one thing and pretend to believe something but turn around and do something else? Because you “can’t do that in today’s world” – that’s not true. You can, people just don’t want to suffer the consequences of it. Being a good person is hard to do because there’s no immediate gratification, and that’s why faith is so important.You have to believe in what you’re doing, otherwise it is so easy to give up and give in to the ways of the world. Ghandi once said to be the change you wish to see in the world, and he had it right. You can’t just say “I’m going to act this way,” you have to do it. You have to love everyone and be accepting. So many people only want the world to be a certain way and do little to achieve it just because not everyone thinks that way and act badly. But being good is contagious, and inspiring. People are, or should be, inspired by Christ. Think how long ago Christ lived, and look at how many people are still talking about him and aspiring to his beliefs. Look at Ghandi. Look at all the people throughout history who stood up to make a change in the world, and look at how they’re remembered. They do change the world, their actions live on long after they’re gone, they continue to inspire people. If everyone made a sacrifice, it wouldn’t be in vain. It would be very gradual and slow, but look at what it could do! It’s just so simple. A few months after being raped I told Dad that I feel like God hates me. He said “some people would call it a test.” It makes me wonder, why, despite bad things that happen to me, I continue without ever really changing. I’m still too trusting. I was talking to Silas about this a few months ago, that I hate how I just can’t be skeptical of people and street smart like everyone else in the world, I wish I could look at someone in need and say they’re in need because of their own actions. And Silas said to me, you know what, it’s so hard, but don’t change. Don’t lose that trust in people even though it’s so hard to do. I love Silas so much for those words. I believe that I have the right mindset, though a lot of people probably would call this being stupid. I don’t care.
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[05 Sep 2007|02:49am] |
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i leave for spain on thursday. oy. this has got to be one of the hardest times of my life. i ended things with adam like a week/week and a half ago, even though he was coming up to NY. it's hard, i miss him a lot. everything reminds me of him, and the only way i wont cry is if i cut myself off and desensitize myself. i dropped scooter off with silas yesterday and i already miss her so much. it's like a huge whole where she should be. ugh. i'm training myself to make associations with adam; everytime i miss him, i think about a way he hurt me. it seems to be working slowly. i'm also trying to figure out my feelings about the plea bargain daniel hendricks made. i need to finish my victim impact statement before i leave. i feel so dettached from life. i really don't feel like i'm leaving the country for 4 months in less than two days. has the past year of my life really happened? i'm nervous about getting homesick in spain. i hate my feelings because even though i can anticipate them, i still can't control feeling them. i feel it anyways, despite the fact that i'm aware of all them. i dunno. i'm pretty f'd up right now, went to latin night and had lots of fun. danced and drank the night away. spain, new life, my break away from this reality - here i come. i can't wait to see how other people live, because right now this life makes no sense to me. i need to get over adam. annnnnnnnnnd i have to go to bed so i can spend tomorrow packing without being delirious.
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[16 Aug 2007|01:31pm] |
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i find that i am on an emotional roller coaster. sometimes i feel so defeated by daniel hendricks and the police and the fraternity, and other times there is a fire of hatred and anger so strong that it's all i think about. i also find that adam is now part of the latter. ever since the reality of this trial happening in 11 days hit me a few days ago, i find that i despise adam as much as i despise rick or dre or brian riffle or any of those fucks. this rape has now taken full control of my life, and i can see how it happens. i always thought that girls who let it control their life were just weak, the whole anti-men anti-sex reaction. but i just realized it has taken a different control of my life; the unrelenting, burning hatred that ravages my mind and keeps me awake at night. ever since i spoke with my dad a few days ago, i think about it incessantly. i can't let it go. i keep playing out scenes in my head of how the trial might go, i keep thinking about the asshole defense attorney protecting daniel hendricks, looking him in the eyes while he so easily tries to protect daniel hendricks. that asshole. i know it's his job, but what kind of person can sleep at night knowing that they are attacking the innocent to protect the guilty just because it's their job? yeah i know whatever sometimes people are accused wrongly, don't take it personal, blah blah. fuck that, this is personal. every single person who has tried to help daniel hendricks in any way at any point on this journey has now become my enemy, and that, my friend, is a lot of people. i want every person in the world to know what dispicable acts against humanity daniel hendricks, susan coffey, the entirety of the oswego police department have engaged in. these people do not deserve to live, there is nothing good or worthwhile in them. i hate every single one of them. all of them. rick horn, brian riffle, dre, all those fucks. adam. fuck him. yanno, now that i am being forced into accepting this as my reality via the trial and having to hunt down witnesses, i am finding that there is truly a side to me that is not good. it's like i've discovered an underlying stream of pure, black hatred in me. all forementioned people have proved to me a truth i have been actively denying my whole life; people can be bad. not to say i have never acknowledged this truth before, but i have always been able to dettach myself from the words. now, there is no dettachment with any of it. i pray, though, that once the trial is done and regardless of the outcome, i can go back to being normal myself. i hope so. this isn't me. but, the good thing is that now i truly want nothing to do with adam. he has not been anything good enough in my life for this to be worth dealing with. if i could choose between knowing him or not, i would choose not. but since i don't have control over that, i'll take the good moments and just close this chapter of my life once and for all. sever all connections. adam has been my only contact to their side, since rick is his friend, and that association has just made him one of the frat brothers to me. and i can't help but think that if i had never met him, this wouldn't be happening. now i kinda wish i had never met him. oy. i'm done.
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[14 Aug 2007|11:06am] |
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ugh. i am so scared. i think it's finally hit me, the reality of the trial in 2 weeks. i can't stop thinking about it now, i was up all last night just imagining sitting on the stand. i feel like absolute shit. i feel so fucking alone. i can't even talk about it with adam anymore, we got in a weird thing about it last night. sigh. i feel like there just is not one good thing in my life anymore. i wish i would just die or be killed. i fucking hate this. what am i even fucking looking forward to? god. ok i can't go into work crying again, so done.
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[12 Aug 2007|09:55pm] |
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i was just thinking about talking to my dad when he called me on my birthday this week, and of course was talking about the trial coming up. then he was like, "sorry, i didn't mean to call you up and get you all depressed on your birthday." yanno what, i don't fucking believe him. he doesn't give a shit if he calls me on my birthday and depresses me. he knows god damn well that i fucking hate to talk about that shit, i have told him that explicitly more than twice before, and still, he fucking does it. sorry my ass. for once can you just fucking not talk about it? jesus christ. then he's asking me, how are you dealing with it? are you scared? yeah, fucking ask me that after the fact, as if he even gives the slightest fuck about how i actually feel about any of it. i think i'm dealing with it just fine considering the fact that EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong has, and i can guarentee will, and at this moment my life is just a slow ride to hell. seriously though, i'm more interested than scared to see how fucking badly this trial will be fucked up, and consequently how fucked it has and will fuck me up. honestly, i find myself wondering if i'm just overreacting to being raped. i mean, the cops don't care, the district attorney doesn't care, the doctor didn't care, and i am will to be my fucking life that the nurse in that fucking room didn't care enough to write down the doctor's notes of bruising on my upper inner thigh, gee, because that would never be used for fucking evidence at a later god damn time! and now, i am the one responsible for collecting the names and phone numbers of anyone at the party who could be a witness. does the district attorney fucking realize that i don't even know these pieces of shit that do not even fucking deserve the right to breathe and are a truly worthless, dispicable, horrible, rotten excuse of a homosapien. these fucking scumbag frat boys are certainly not my friends, and the fact that these bastards were PROTECTING dan when it happened, telling ME to leave, fucking DEFENDING THE MAN WHO RAPED ME. PROTECTING HIM! turning on ME! like they're going to fucking give me their name and number, as if they have any fucking shred of human decency to try to punish the bad guy. i really am shocked, utterly appalled that someone (and many!!) people would not try to help someone. i can't believe it. a fucking outright, blatent, hideous fucking crime and people are actually capable of not only looking away, but REFUSING to help! i would never, ever in my wildest dreams even dare to consider not helping someone who needed help, and worse, protecting someone who did something wrong and horrible. it's appalling. it's beyond appalling, really, for i cannot even describe the sorrow in my heart seeing it. it's a horrible thing to realize. and it's no wonder why the world is the way it is. it's no wonder why there is famine, casualties of war, murder, corrupt government. it's no wonder why strangers don't smile to each other. it's no wonder why it's unsafe to walk alone, why you need to travel in groups. god. when are we going to fucking get it right? it's not hard. being good is universal; anyone can do it and it's not offensive, it's nondenominational. why is that too much to ask? i don't get it. truly, i really just do not understand. blah. i guess i'm just sorta bummed out by this trial right now. maybe tv will help zone me out.
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[04 Aug 2007|10:49pm] |
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i cannot believe it's august 4th. an hour and ten minutes from being august 5th. wow! all the sudden time is flying. had a birthday lunch at my grandma's today with dad and michelle. dad gave me a pair of earrings for my birthday, and in the card wrote "use these in spain and make fond memories somethingerother." what the fuck? how the hell are earrings going to do shit for me in spain? thanks dad, i'm studying abroad and you somehow manage to pick the most not useful gift ever. seriously. all he had to do was give me money, it didn't have to be alot, $20 would be fine. but to go out of your way to spend money on something that, even though you know it is needed badly for other things, serves absolutely no purpose or relevance to anything meaningful in my life. does he actually know that little about me? is he actually that fucking oblivious? or is he just trying to be an asshole? i know i probably sound so spoiled right now, and it's not that i don't appreciate the gift, but it's like i'm getting tired of getting things that are just so, not me, from my dad. ok, i get the point, we know nothing about each other, clearly he knows nothing about my interests. our relationship is just so weird right now, especially because he has not accepted me studying abroad. he freaked out when i moved 3 hours away to college, i can only imagine what moving to the other side of the planet is doing to him. anyyyways. so, august 4th. here i am, a month and 2 days from going to spain. 20 (almost 19) till the trial. i was thinking about how horrible it's going to be. but yanno, it's liberating. i've completely dettached myself from reality; i recognize it's there, it is happening, it's real... but somehow, it's like it doesn't matter. like, yup.. ok.. whatever (hah how intelligent did that sound). seriously though, i really have dettached myself emotionally from everything negative happening in my life right now (being raped, doing the trial, adam, the police) and surprisingly, i'm at peace with myself. i've made my peace with "god" and christ (i use those terms loosely), and i feel that i have contributed something good to this world, if anything just to my friends. maybe that doesn't count. all i know is that right now in my life i feel good about the things i have done, and i don't have any regrets about any of it. except for maybe realizing too late in life how important it is to try to be a good person. haha here i'm only 21, jeez. maybe that's being too hard on myself. i wonder if this is some kind of foreshadowing, although i've been feeling this way for the past couple years. predetermined destiny? who knows, i'm probably rambling right now. i should go to bed, didn't go to sleep till 6am last night/this morning. what a crazy, very fun night -- more on that later.
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[31 Jul 2007|12:28am] |
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what a weird day. eileen called and said someone named chris left me 2 notes to call him, and im like, chris? who the fuck is chris? and she's like i dunno, the note says 'xoxo chris' then i'm all oooooohhhhhhhh chris the guy i slept with in may chris! how fucking bizarre is that?! we hung out for like 2 weeks and only fucked once. we haven't spoke since may and he tells me today he really did love me, hahahahaha. yea f'ing right. makes it interesting though, i told him my days off are friday and saturday if he wants to come to ithaca. he says he's going to, we'll see. but i guess he had left a note last week and eileen forgot to call to tell me, and he came back and left another one! so obviously he's thinking about me a lot. so weird! AND, paulo called me today while i was at work to go see a movie. wtf is going on today?? is this like out-of-the-blue-day? craziness. i haven't had sex since........ omg chris........ chris was the last guy i had sex with back in may! i never would have thought he'd be the guy i'd fuck after my celibacy phase. i thought for sure it'd be adam, but i will gladdddddddly fuck chris. omg i'll be so excited if i get to have sex with him again, especially this week!!!! wow. time for bed.
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[12 Jul 2007|11:02pm] |
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what am i doing? do i love him? does he actually love me, or is this some kind of game he plays with everyone? like jan. of the two of us, is he really the bad guy? or do i project my own committment issues and place the blame on him? am i in denial? is he in denial? do i want a relationship? do i want one with adam? could i ever even trust him? does he only want me because now he can't have me? am i pretty enough for him? is he just settling for me because he hasn't met anyone else yet? if i never wanted to speak to him again, could he actually do it? why does he give up at my word, why can't he ever break that emotional barrier and actually pursue me, instead of apparently thinking i'll drop everything for him. why the hell do romantic movies portray love like they do? it never happens like that. men have no balls or sense of romance these days. does that love even exist? love so consuming that it makes you do crazy things. love so intense that you would do anything for it. i suppose i really am bitter it doesn't happen like that, i feel so decieved. it's like the love version of santa clause. i found myself daydreaming at work at how wonderful it would be if somehow adam just showed up while i was at work. i imagined just dropping everything and running to him and hugging him. then when i snapped back to reality i had a huge smile on my face. god i am stupid. that would be my life in a movie, but life as life is so much different. i am a sucker, holy shit. i'm probably the reason for ridiculous holidays like valentine's haha. eric was right, i am a sap. so these are my thoughts when i'm at work, folding shirt after shirt for hours on end. hundreds of questions with no answers. it puts me in a frustrating state of mind... do i say fuck it and never talk to him again and just not even deal with it? or do i say fuck it and just forget everything and try these romantic feelings i have for him? i just wanted to write all this and *hopefully* not think about it anymore now that i've gotten it off my perverbial chest. time for bed.
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[07 Jul 2007|09:18pm] |
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it's ironic that my last post is about missing adam. he called me a few days ago (tuesday i think?) after 2 months of not talking at all. i feel like a lot has happened, even though nothing really has happened. well that's not true. he told me he loves me, for the first time ever in 2 years of knowing him. i've said it to him twice, but told him afterwards i didn't mean it. because i didn't mean it. i'm not even positive if i mean it now. he really wants to have a relationship... be boyfriend and girlfriend... but i told him no. i'm not ready, especially going to spain in 2 months. i missed him, but i guess it wasn't necessarily in a romantic way. all of a sudden im not in the mood to write. peace.
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[26 Jun 2007|02:42am] |
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bleh. i do miss adam. it's been like a month and a half already. i should hate him. i want to hate him. god. eric and i were sitting in the car and the song 'safe home' by anthrax came on. it took me back to the first time i heard anthrax - it was that song - with adam. i miss him so much. i still have dreams about him all the time. i still think about him a lot. some of the best and worst times of my life were with adam, and let me tell you, that's a really hard spot to be in. i don't know yet if i'm happier without him. but i do know i shouldn't be with him, and that makes it harder. god what has that boy done to me. damn. this is some serious heartache. i can't even listen to this music, it's so him i can't even stand it. god i fucking miss him. i just want to get this phase of needing adam over with so i can continue the process of getting over him. sounds so mechanic. i really feel like i have lost a spark i had without adam in my life, a zest for life if you will. he gave me a sense of peace and happiness in the chaos of my life, no matter what i always had him to talk to and to understand me. to share my pain with about horrible things in the world. to shoulder the unbearable pain of being raped. once that happened he gave part of himself to me to have, to talk to completely uncensored. i guess it's just hard to adjust to not having that. i know i'll overcome, i just needed to release all this emotion and get it over with. it's hard because everything around me reminds me of him. ugh i just can't stop crying right now. i miss him so fucking much. i'm glad i told him in the end that i love him, because i do love him for all the amazing experiences, and just being able to know him. i hope he does find happiness. i wish it could have been with me, but i still have hope that someday down the road, fate decides we were meant to be. i admit it, i'm hopeful. but what else can i do to get through it? just keep going and hope for the best. i hope i get my spark back.
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[21 Jun 2007|12:30am] |
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i have such a disgusting taste in my mouth. last night was really interesting. actually, i had a great day yesterday. but i walked into a bar last night, all wet from the rain, and all these guys at the bar were like "awwww you look like a wet little puppy" and they were all saying get her whatever she wants and going on about how cute and adorable i am. it was weird. but i had a really interesting conversation with mark, whom i think is so yummy, and this other guy larry was listening, and i was telling mark my ideas of life and people in general. i think that was the first 'real' conversation i've had with him, he must've just taken me to be a dumb blonde with big boobs because after that he was like 'wow you're such an awesome girl blah blah.' larry listened for like 5 minutes and was like, you know for a little girl like yourself you're pretty wise. i dunno it was just awesome to see how these people perceive me, puppy-cute and smart. good fucking combo i think. actually it's funny because morgan told me back in 8th grade that i'm cute like a puppy. i guess after all these years of hearing people tell me similar things that the consistency is sinking in and i'm starting to hate myself a little less. i think i have finally come to a place in my life where i am completely happy with who i am, personality/mentality wise. now i have to work on the physical aspect. which is probably stupid because guys (like last night) seem to like me just fine. but i'm not happy with how i look, probably because i am always comparing myself to what i want to look like. which, naturally, will only propagate more unhappiness with my body. i think i am getting smarter everyday, not book-smart but kinda life smart. i think being raped really altered my way of thinking, drastically. it made me realize what's important, what's worth considering and what not to waste my time with, and now all the time i'm just really thinking about heavy duty shit. i'm always coming to new conclusions everyday, making connections, etc. for example, i read this line in a book that said "enough hard luck will create a mean spirit in any creature." i really liked that line and i was thinking about it for a few days. then i was talking to brian and he said to me "don't kid yourself, i've had a lot of bad in my life but i've also been really lucky." for whatever reason i thought about that too for a few days, and then it clicked; brian is a nice guy because he has had good in his life too. if he had only bad luck he would have that mean spirit, but because of the good he can overcome all of the terrible things and still be a good person. and that's why all the little things we do everyday, that we might not even think of, can really change and impact others. you can make a difference, one nice gesture at a time. one person's simple acts of kindness can really, truly change someone's life. i know this is all a weird thought pattern, but it really inspired me. it seems everyday i understand a little more about the world and people, and once you really understand it makes living so much easier. so less depressing. i still have a long way to go though, but i'm proud of how far i've already gotten. i definitely feel more at peace with myself. speaking of at peace... my mom and i were talking today about mum and how she was like, when i die i'll send you a sign from the beyond (this came up because of scary creaking in the house). so i was telling mom when i was moving out of my apt. the last few days of may, i opened mum's jewelry box that i kept and picked up a birthday card she and pop gave me years ago to put something underneath it. when i moved it, i got a whiff of mumsey. the card smelled just like her, and i sat there for like 5 minutes just smelling her. it took me back to being in her house, with her and pop, where i was safe and loved. it really stopped me in my tracks to smell her again. so then mom was like, yanno a lot of psychics say a spirit can visit you through scent. i know, i dont believe in that garbage, but when i got the card out from the jewelry box today it didn't smell like her at all. mom was like, she came to you! i was like well maybe the smell just wore off (even though the card had been who knows where all these years) and when i told her how after a few minutes the smell went away she was definitely convinced mumsey had come to me. then she was like, i'm jealous she would give you a sign and not me. i was like yeah but don't you think it's weird that it's been years since she died? and mom goes, well maybe she knew you needed her. and i was thinking about that, and what i was feeling when i found the card. i was going through a hard time while i was moving out. it was just me, packing up the last 2 years of my life. i was thinking about how it was the 'end of an era' - i was leaving my first apartment, my first time living by myself, adam, the paper. i was packing up my life and walking into the unknown. i was scared about a lot of things, finding a job, not having adam in my life, going to spain, finances. i was really freaked out, it was like a mid-life crisis. if mom is right, if mumsey was there, she was there to comfort me. she was there to tell me to be strong, keep my chin up and keep right on walking into the unknown. in the last 2 years i have horrible, horrible things happen to me, even before being raped. like when i first went back up to buffalo two years ago. god, that was a really hard time for me. why didn't she come then? maybe because up until now i had nothing to hope for, fucking nothing to keep me going. and what could she have reassured me about? spain is the only thing i have really cared about (aside from people), the only thing i look forward to. if i weren't studying abroad i probably would not give a shit about anything at all. hrm. i dunno, but i'll be thinking about it.
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[10 Jun 2007|01:37am] |
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i finally have figured it out! wow. adam is doing the same thing i'm doing, except he's been doing it his whole life. running, constantly running and using people (girls, or guys in my case). that's why i can't be anything more than sex and my intelligence. that's why he will never love me or be with me with me. he has dealt with things just as horrible as me or worse. and i know he cares about me and i know he feels bad about what he does to me, but, similarly to me, can't stop doing it. when i say can't, i mean mentally. i can't stop doing what i do because i'm not ready to. i don't want to. so what if i smoke whenever i'm not at work? so what if i treat guys like objects? i don't care. i like doing this, and right now this is exactly what i want to be doing. i know i have serious issues from being raped and how the police handled it, and consequently issues with society and our accepted beliefs. the accepted society we live in has failed me. i supported it up until they gave me a reason not to. fuck them. all i see accepted society as anymore is just an obstacle in the way of living like i need to right now to deal with their truths. and somehow they can say it's wrong. well fuck them. i want to know how other people live - the people society dejects. i'm already finding these people are the ones who have learned what i've learned, and the hard way. those of bitter apathy that detest the way we are forced to live regardless of the circumstances we endure. who the fuck are these people that have a life so good that they can say what's right and wrong. now i know why there are gangs. and now i know how we can kill each other. it's the same way i feel, only worse for them. their pain comes out in violence. mine comes out in drugs and using guys. until i get justice, i will seek my own revenge. and i don't feel bad about people who get in my path. i'm so tired. bed.
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[02 Jun 2007|11:18pm] |
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ugh, i'm pretty bored right now. this seems to be a theme for me on the weekends. i feel like my last post might have room to be misinterpreted. i'm too hyper these days i guess. i don't know why i feel the need to be out every single night. i feel like i need to broaden my circle of ithaca friends, but i don't know if that's even true. i would if i want to have something to do every night of the week. which i guess i shouldn't be doing. i love the friends i have, and the total number of nights i don't go out during the week is 2-3 days. do i go out too much? have i come to the point where i go out so much i can't stand to be at home? i think i have. i feel like that's probably a bad thing, but i don't see it yet. work has been pretty good, i'm coming to like it more and more. was supposed to work 12:15-6:45 today but ended up working 12:15-9:15. yay for more hours! i work 33 hours this week, but i feel like i still have a lot of downtime that i could spend at another job. stephen only works 1 day next week, which worries me that i might get stuck with a fucking horrible schedule like that. i would be so pissed. i would probably tell them to either give me more hours or i'd find another job that will. that really is bs. one day??? monday i work 7pm-4am, then that same day i come in at 2pm-9:15pm! wtf? and stephen only got 1 day? i don't get them. working till 4am is going to suuuuuuuck. but, it's money and i'm glad to be making it. the thing is, no matter how boring the job may be, it feels great to be working and getting out and meeting people. i met 2 guys today who spoke spanish, it was pretty cool. they were shopping for women's clothing though... weird. maybe for their girlfriends. i meet a lot of customers who speak spanish, it's actually kind of surprising how frequent it is in old navy. ugh i am so awake right now. i was exhausted when i got home, but i played with scooter for about an hour or an hour and a half and now i'm like ready to go out. damn it. i think i swear too much, which is weird because i don't really like swearing. i only swear a lot around certain people though, mostly my ithaca friends. again going back to the whole feeling like i have to act a certain way i suppose. but i don't know, when i swear i feel like it makes me sound... masculine, or less feminine i guess. rough like a biker or something. i don't like fulfilling that stereotype i have. which is stupid because i think it's funny when people swear, guys or girls. i dunno i haven't really examined my perception of people who swear. ahhh i have such a weird way of thinking. hrm. maybe i can fall asleep now, i hope it's not for just a nap or some shit. hah yes i said shit. whatever. i don't care how i sound on here because it's only a journal. there's only one person who would read this that i actually know. so, bedtime.
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[01 Jun 2007|12:06am] |
ugh taking naps at 9pm is not a good idea. it's so f'ing hot in my room.
blah. i hate being home. it's cool for like a week to see family and old friends but god it gets old fast. i hate the way i feel being back in ithaca. i dunno. i feel like i can't be myself. or maybe i just don't like who i am. i feel trapped here because the people i know here don't just know me, they know the past 10 years of me. my past isn't me. it's helped shape who i am now but i dunno. i can't explain it. i feel like because people know so much of my history there's only so much i can be. when people don't know everything about you, they only see you for who you are now. when i'm around my family and friends here i feel i have to act a certain way because that's what they know and expect.
i've come to be so disgusted with people. it sickens me to see people with their children. all just to keep their dna existing. i wonder if people knew what happened after life if their goal would still be to reproduce. instinctually i mean. i really have been thinking a lot about the actions of people based on their instinct. i wonder if all actions are a product of some primal need. i really do look at people as they would be portrayed on an animal show on tv. i know it sounds weird but whatever. see i wish i could talk to silas right now because he would know exactly what i'm talking about. i've been thinking a lot about something he said to me a few weeks ago, about how people were not supposed to come this far. i don't know if i agree with that or not, but it really has been making me think. am i becoming more like my dad? i fucking pray to god i'm not. blah i dunno. i'm just really depressed these days. it's spreading to deeper levels. it's there, in everything, the way i think and perceive. things that didn't depress me before are really depressing me now. like the concept of pets. i still haven't convinced myself i shouldn't feel guilty for having scooter. and then i can't even bear the idea that people out there treat their pets badly. why don't i fucking kill myself? i wish i could. it's just becoming harder to be happy in this world. people who say to question things don't know what the fuck they're talking about. don't question. keep your head down and go through life. what good is it to question everything and realize you don't agree with any of it? then you're just unhappy in society but unable to do anything about it. lol silas would know exactly what i'm talking about here too. i worry i'm aging too much mentally. i always forget i'm only 21, how did i come to be so miserable already? see the wonderful thing about silas is that he knows who i am as a person now, but he sees me as me and not as the problems i encounter in life. and he understands how someone with my personality, me, reacts to the problems. silas really does make me feel like such a great and special person. when i talk to him about how i feel he doesn't judge me or just see me as depressed, he makes me feel like i'm still just a great, happy girl but he really understands my sensitivity and why i react how i do. and the truly wonderful part is that he always encourages me to be true to myself, no matter how sad people's actions make me, not to lose myself in it. it's such a hard thing to do but that's really why i appreciate his encouragement. i'm actually feeling much better in this moment thinking about it. blah i miss being in buffalo =( i really miss rachel too. i miss alex and joyce. i'm excited to make friends with people at work though. well i mean i have already made really good friends with cait and kristi and stephen and kinda nate, and mike. but i can't wait to know them even more so we're friends outside of work too. i'm too damn impatient, and i always feel so at ease when i first meet people that i forget they might not feel as comfortable as i do right away. and plus there's always that time period that you have to wait out regardless. rachel would know what i mean, i had this conversation with her back in september. i hope stephen works tomorrow =) i absolutely love flirting with him. he makes work so fun hehehehehe. okay, time to try to go back to sleep.
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[26 May 2007|08:36pm] |
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soooooooo i am home. had day 2 of work at old navy today. i'm so tired after working there, but i like the fact that i walk around all day long. it's like doing 6 hours of light cardio and getting paid for it. plus discounts woot woot. i had such a fucking horrible nightmare last night. i'd actually be willing to say that it was the absolute worst nightmare i've ever had and remembered. i kept getting flashbacks of it at work, and a few times while reliving it i felt an urge to cry. weird. god and it was so gory too. so fucking gory. adam was in it, as usual. surprisingly it had nothing to do with being raped. well, now that i think about it, there was a part where a guy showed me a magazine cover that had this guy i really liked raping what appeared to be an 8 yr old girl. no, he had, according to the guy who showed me the cover, just raped her. but in the photo she was naked and draped backwards over his arm with her head hanging back. and her face wasn't a face, it was like a face i had seen in my friend's tattoo from weeks ago, vacant and minimal features. slants for eyes. her mouth was open like she had been screaming. her body was limp, so i gathered from that she was dead. i asked the guy i liked if he had raped her and he got angry and said he hadn't and that the guy who showed me the cover was lying and an asshole. then i'm in a restaurant with him on a beach. then i'm being chased by him through hallways on a cruise ship. i don't know why he's chasing me, but i know he's trying to hurt me. then the other guy tackles him and rips his right arm off somehow. i didn't see the fight, i had kept running for my life. then the guy who showed me the magazine is holding me and i'm hysterical and in tears. somehow i see the guy without actually seeing him. his arm is torn off right below the shoulder and bloody. his bone is jutting out a few inches from the stump of his arm, ragged. all his flesh looks like it had been ripped and shredded off, torn into by a lion. the ship had been off the coast of mexico. i tell the guy holding me i'm scared the guy is going to blame me for the attack and loss of his arm, but he says no, he wont. then i'm on the bus sitting next to the guy who lost his arm, and somehow me running from him hadn't happened. i'm telling him i'm so sorry the guy tore his arm off, and it wasn't my fault, i didn't tell the attacker he had raped someone, HE had been the one who told me but i didn't believe it. he doesn't believe me, and then he's chasing me through the halls again, but this time his arm is missing and he's trying to kill me because of it. he's blaming me just like i knew he would. i can't even convey the horror of this scene. then there's a part that was so short, but i've been having recurring dreams with this exact same location and feeling, but different scenarios. we're on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, driving past adam's house. which is actually a run down shack, and sammy is next door in a run down shack as well. and the feeling that always comes with it is just so horrible, but i can't even explain what's happening in these parts. it's just.. wow i feel so... the feeling is disturbing in these dreams. i can't describe it. i can't even call it horrible because i don't even know... i guess it's on the level of eerie or creepy. but in an *extremely* magnified intensity. it's not fright or physical pain. wow. i've never been unable to identify an emotion before, but this one was truly, blood chillingly disturbing. obviously, i feel the urge to cry thinking about it. it's haunting. and so different from any other dream i've had. blah. out.
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[20 May 2007|09:55pm] |
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so it's been forever, and an unfortunate entry to leave off on haha. a lot has been going on; moving out of my apartment back home to ithaca and finding a job. which i did, i am now a customer service somethingerother at old navy. how bad is it i wasn't even paying attention to her talking when she told me my title. speaking of, i have orientation tomorrow (in ithaca) 5-9 and right now i am in buffalo. f! anddddd, i am not done cleaning or packing. which means yet another trip to buffalo and back. but! the next time it will be great because silas will be in town so that will be worth it. i found a card from mum and pop today in her/my jewelry box, and as i put it back in i got a whiff of it. it smelled just like mum. well, before she died. i have really neat trinkets from them, including pop's gold chain. i don't know why i don't wear it. maybe i'll start. it's a shitty chain but still. ok i'm done, tomorrow is gonna suuuuuuuck.
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[09 May 2007|12:55am] |
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what can i fucking even say anymore. i am too far gone. the pain is so unbearable and overwhelming. has it really come to the knife in front of me? it has. it has come to this, and it's exactly like when i was 15, sobbing into my teddy bear, slicing and od'ing. it has come to this. i have a counseling appt tomorrow. god please do something. please do fucking something! i really need help. i really can't do this anymore. i amm fucking begging for something. i'm out. i really am. i am jujst fucking depleted and there is, truly, nothing in my power that i can do anymore except to fucking cut my throat. the hours of tears has evolved into body racking, devestating, exhausting, uncontrollable sobbing so intense it becomes a scream. yes. the anguish is now so horrible that it is actually a scream instead of a sob. i collapsed in my kitchen a few minutes ago because even my body cannot physically express the pain anymore. crying isn't enough. drugs aren't enough. sex isn't enough. this fucking knife isn't enough. it gets to a point that i am completely and utterly so engulfed in this endless void of just sheer fucking agony that every single muscle in my body is clenched and i am physically immobile from the pain. i was with silas tonight and even then i couldn't hold back the tears. i really believe the depression is no longer depression anymore. i can't be reached anymore. i feel seperated from everything now by this pain. it's so bad that i don't even give a shit about spain anymore, and i have virtually stopped filling out the forms and sending stuff in. god. i don't even feel phased by the pain it would cause people in my life if i killed myself. that's something i have never gotten to before. i'm out.
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